The 5 Love Languages
Julie and I celebrated our 3-year anniversary yesterday. Over the years (married and unmarried), we continue to learn about each other and look for tools that aid us in our relationship and allow it to grow. One tool in particular that we have both found helpful is The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, #1 New York Times Bestselling book by Gary Chapman. Julie introduced it to me, I had never heard of this book or concept before. While the book is a quick read, only 203 pages, it is packed with information that neither one of us had ever discussed. The ways that both of show love and how we like to receive love differs from one another. Learning about The 5 Love Languages has helped us acknowledge these differences and it has made a huge impact on our marriage.
The 5 Love Languages explains that individuals generally tend to show and receive love in the following ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. It also touches on how people naturally tend to show love in the way they want to receive love, even if their love language does not align with their loved ones.
The simplified breakdown of each language is as follows:
Words of Affirmation
These are verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, that are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation such as “You look sharp in that suit”, “I really like how you’re always on time to pick me up” or “You look incredible in that dress! Wow!” Chapman says the most important words used are those of encouragement, kindness and humbleness.
Quality Time
By quality time, Chapman means giving someone your individual attention. Attention can be shown by putting devices away and looking at each other when talking. Another way of showing attention is taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and hearing what each has to say.
Receiving Gifts
A gift is something one can hold in their hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” By giving a gift, this shows you are thinking of the other person and the gift itself is a symbol of that thought; gifts are visual symbols of love. Many may think that gifts must be expensive or given weekly. Chapman disagrees with this line of thinking and clarifies that for some individuals, a gifts worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.
Acts of Service
Acts of service require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. Examples include cooking a meal, emptying the dishwasher or taking out the trash, changing the baby’s diaper, keeping the car in operating condition, walking the dog and dealing with landlords or insurance companies. Acts of service don’t necessarily require a lot of time and like the old saying, “actions speak louder than words.”
Physical Touch
It is well known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Chapman writes that physical touch is also a powerful driving force for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language and without it, they feel unloved. But with physical touch in the relationship, they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
After reading through the book and learning about The 5 Love Languages, Julie and I each felt two of the love languages spoke to us more than the others. For Julie, it was Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Mine were Acts of Service and Quality Time.
We also realized we were often showing each other love in our own love language rather than theirs. For instance, I am more likely to do the dishes, cook or take out the trash, rather than give a hug or use loving words. While Julie really appreciates these things, she still needs to hear encouraging words or get a hug or gentle touch to really feel loved. On the other hand, Julie is great at telling me encouraging things and gives hugs ALL THE TIME, but I really register love when we spend unplugged quality time together or when she does the laundry or cleans something before I get to it. I think this was just as helpful to learn as The 5 Love Languages themselves. Now that we know our own languages, as well as how each other likes to receive love, we are both more conscious in showing love in each other’s love language, but also more aware and appreciative if we are showing love in our own love language.
I can’t express how beneficial The 5 Love Languages has been for Julie and I. We both find it helpful, not only in knowing our own, but each other’s. The love languages can also be applied outside of romantic relationships. It is all about showing love, so it can be helpful for any loving relationship, friends, children, family, etc. Chapman has many variations of this book for those exact scenarios too. As we continue to grow in our marriage and relationship, there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t use each other’s love languages.
