Overcoming Guilt & Shame After a Manic Episode
The number of times I have had manic episodes over the course of my life is more than I can count. What’s worse is that after many episodes, I have to be told by those who were present what happened; others remember but I can’t. I understand that to say I don’t remember what I did or said during an episode comes off as not wanting to take responsibility for my actions. I know there are those who, having been in the crosshairs of one of my manic episodes, think I am looking for someone to blame other than myself. On the contrary, the only person I blame is myself.
To feel a manic episode come on is like standing in the ocean waist deep and allowing the waves to move freely past you toward land. You don’t have full control of your body or what is around you, but you feel like you’re doing ok. As the waves start to become bigger, you find your body moving back and forth and side to side; things become unstable. There are moments when the water subsides, and it makes you feel grounded. But lurking is that one big wave that takes you down swiftly and violently. You know it’s out there and when you finally collide with it, you have no control and are brought under with the blink of an eye.
Hearing things I have said or done during a manic episode makes me wish I didn’t come back up out of the water. Many times, where I was at the start of an episode was not where I would end up. I have woken up in my car, on a bus stop bench, on the sidewalk outside of my apartment building, and walking down the street in the dead of winter with only a long sleeve shirt on. Times when I have come back down to find myself around people who were with me, the ones that stayed at least, the deafening silence in the room and look of anger and sadness on faces are what I always remember.
I’m not going to tell you I have learned to completely forgive myself of past episodes. I have moments everyday when I will think about something that has happened. It doesn’t matter if it was 4 months ago or 4 years ago, whether I remember any of it or none of it, a manic episode stays with me long after it has ended. Overcoming the shame and guilt I feel after an episode is something I continue to struggle with. I must make a conscious effort to actively incorporate the things that help me deal with such negative feelings. The following is what helps me.
Give Yourself Compassion
As I mentioned, the only person I blame for anything that is said or done during an episode is myself. This leads to a lot of negative self-talk, believing I am flawed, imperfect or unwanted, which then snowballs all the way down to blaming myself for having Bipolar. Thinking that having Bipolar is my fault is clearly illogical. It is something I was born with just like I was born with brown eyes and black hair (although there is more gray hair at this point). It takes more energy for me to continue knocking myself down than to pick myself up. There is so much positivity and beauty that comes with Bipolar and while it might not always be clear to see, it’s present in every one of us who has it.
Forgive Yourself
Forgiving myself might be as equally hard, if not harder, than showing myself compassion. I’ve always believed in taking responsibility for my actions. That is not to say I’m always able to do this immediately. Piecing together and trying to understand what happened during an episode doesn’t always come together quickly; sometimes there are no answers at all. It’s during post-manic episodes that I can feel the loneliest and most lost. Regardless of how much I may or may not remember, it’s important to apologize for how I may have acted and ask for forgiveness from those who have been hurt. It’s important to keep in mind that you will not be received with compassion and understanding from everyone. But the combination of taking responsibility and accepting forgiveness from others will in turn help you forgive yourself.
Keep Moving Forward
It’s only been in the past few years that I have learned to let go of past episodes. There are many that I still think about but there are also ones that I have been able to accept what has happened and learn from to prevent future episodes. For me, the best way to work on moving forward is to continue going to therapy and take medication. Without these two things working in conjunction the past several years, I wouldn’t be at the place I am today. My entire being would be trapped in a continuous cycle of replaying episodes while waiting for the next wave to crash into me. While I may not always be moving forward quickly, if I am moving at all that is a win in my mind.
It’s hard to come to terms with but I will never be able to change what has happened during a manic episode. And in the long run, that might be a good thing. If I could go back and redo words or actions, I would just keep repeating what I know without needing to have any accountability or compassion; two things that are needed to move beyond guilt or shame. At the end of the day, do I really want to continue having manic episodes on a consistent basis? From my experience and the experience of those who have been with me during one, we’ll all take a hard pass.
