Hypomania + My Symptoms
For those who have read my previous blog posts, you know that I have Bipolar II. In contrast to the valleys of depressions that are associated with bipolar disorder, it also comes with extreme highs or episodes of hypomania; less extreme version of mania, which is associated with Bipolar I. There are several distinct differences between hypomania and mania. Episodes of hypomania can last four to five days. Symptoms include higher energy levels than normal, a decrease need for sleep and engaging in reckless behavior. Some examples of high energy for me is running longer than I normally do, excessive cleaning of the apartment and needing little sleep. Mania has more intense symptoms that can last up to a week or even longer, and in some cases lead to hospitalization. During mania, one might have delusional or paranoid thoughts, visual or auditory hallucinations and uncontrollable high levels of energy.
Prior to being diagnosed with Bipolar II, I had never heard of hypomania. To me, what I thought I was experiencing were things everyone experienced at one time or another. Through therapy and learning about Bipolar and hypomania, I now have an understanding of what I was experiencing. Medication and therapy help manage my episodes and I’m thankful that with the help of both, I experience less frequent hypomania episodes. That is not to say they don’t still occur, but they are much less intense than before I was in treatment.
Over the years (and many episodes), I’ve come to recognize several signs that hypomania is coming on. Recognizing these symptoms today not only helps me find ways to adapt but also can be helpful for others (often times Julie) to be more aware of how to handle and respond to episodes. The following are three symptoms that I tend to experience the most and are the hardest to deal with during hypomanic episodes.
Pushing people away
I naturally tend to keep to myself and could be considered a loner. However, when I meet someone I like and want to befriend, I slowly open up and find myself being more sociable. When hypomania sets in though, I can be rude or even mean to those closest to me. I stop talking to people, ignoring calls or texts. I become extremely irritable and have no patience for anyone. While there are those who have forgiven me when I apologize and ask for forgiveness, there are also many who have left for good and want nothing to do with me.
Putting myself in risky situations
Overall, I consider my personality to be quiet, non-aggressive and I love playing jokes. However, in the midst of hypomania there can be a flipside to these characteristics. Sometimes during an episode of hypomania, my voice level raises and to bystanders it may just appear that I have had a few too many drinks. Other times though, my tone becomes aggressive, my ability to make people laugh is non-existent, and my ability to control myself is weakened, often putting me in high-risk situations. I don’t feel pain or see the danger in walking alone in dark alleys or approaching people with an aggressive tone. Even if you do know what is happening, it can be scary to witness. Lacking self-control during hypomania has caused me to lose friends and give me a reputation of being a bully or someone who is not wanted in social situations. Thankfully, this symptom has not happened to that extent for a long time and is one I never want again.
Unable to control
abusive actions toward myself
This is a hard one to talk about, but I want to be transparent about the challenges of living with mental illness. Causing pain to myself during an episode of hypomania is one of the ways I try to control myself. Physical actions toward myself only make things worse and increases my ability to not maintain control.
It doesn’t always get to the point of abusing myself, but when the thought arises, it always starts out small. Usually, it begins with me trying to stay calm around people, rubbing my forehead and behind my neck and push my thumbs on the side of my head slightly behind my eyes. Julie recognizes these actions and what is happening. She tries to help by talking through what is going on and comfort me. But it can really go either way if her attempts will help or eventually push me over the edge. When it does take a turn for the worse, I can begin to hit my head over and over. Sometimes it is the side or front, or both at the same time. This doesn’t last long but the damage is done. There have been times when I have given myself a black eye and cause there to be lumps on my head and forehead. It’s very, very hard to talk about this but I want you to understand that hypomania has different levels. Some worse than others.
This isn’t something I talk about a lot, but I think it is an important part of learning to understand bipolar. Through therapy and taking medication, I experience episodes of hypomania less frequently. That is not to say they don’t still occur, but they are much less intense than before I was in treatment. There have always been signs that hypomania was coming on. Recognizing these symptoms today have not only helped me find ways to adapt but is has helped others to be more aware of how to handle and respond to episodes. I now have friends and family in my life I don’t ever want to lose and will work everyday to not lose them.
