One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
We’ve all experienced that feeling of moving in the right direction, everything going well, only to have something happen and not only wipe out all the progress we’ve made but knock us back even further. One step forward, two steps back. This is the thought that often comes to mind when I think about the management and treatment for mental illness. Honestly, I think it can be among the hardest things in having or living with someone with a mental illness.
I can only speak from the perspective of living with someone with a mental illness, but I know all too well the heartbreak it can bring watching someone you love make progress only to have something trigger them and bring them sliding back. You see the frustration they are experiencing and feel that yourself. You both have worked so hard, been so patient and finally feel you are getting a handle on things, only to have something seemingly small throw you off course. It’s exhausting.
The hard truth about managing and treating a mental illness is that it’s not linear. This has taken me a while to understand and come to terms with. Often, in the midst of a tough season, I still need to be reminded of it. When I first began to learn and understand Julian’s diagnosis and treatment, I thought things would be somewhat quickly “fixed” when he began therapy and medication. I was comparing it to a physical illness, which for the most part, has a fairly linear process. You get sick, go to the doctor, take medication and get better. That is just not the case with mental illnesses. You can be in treatment and doing all the right things, but sometimes things are still going to get rocky. Sometimes you can recognize the build up and do what you can to diffuse or calm the situation, but other times a trigger comes out of nowhere and an episode hits you like a ton of bricks. It’s so tough.
While it is often challenging to get through the episode, it is equally as heartbreaking to see the toll it takes on Julian and the guilt and shame he feels. He’s written a post about what he does to help deal with the aftermath of an episode here. In the aftermath, we both need the reminder that just because something happened or an episode seems to have taken over, it doesn’t mean all your progress has been wiped out. You aren’t starting from the beginning. With each one I’ve found I’ve learned a bit more or found a new understanding of what he is working through (albeit, a very small understanding).
To be honest, during setbacks, it feels like you’re in a vicious cycle you can’t get yourself out of. It’s not always easy to pull yourself up and keep going. Julian’s resilience in doing this is one of the things I admire most about him. He continuously picks himself back up and continues doing the work, even when I know it feels like he can’t possibly get his feet on the ground to keep moving. Even if it is a one step forward, two steps back process, it’s helpful to remember we are still farther along than when we started this journey years ago.
