Together, But Apart

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time, even before we ever thought about starting a blog. It wasn’t necessarily about writing a blog post specifically, rather more about understanding my own feelings when Julian is in the midst of a manic or depressive cycle. To be honest, it can get really lonely. Now I don’t say this to make Julian feel bad (which he does; he hates the way I am impacted by his Bipolar) or to say that it is not worth it. We have a lot of great things in our relationship that outweigh the difficult seasons. However, the truth is that sometimes it is really hard. I don’t think it is talked about enough that parts of being in a relationship with someone with Bipolar can be lonely. You miss your partner and best friend. I needed my therapist to validate that feeling for me. If you are also in a similar situation, I want to validate that feeling for you.

Initially, when I felt lonely or isolated, it seemed pretty obvious because only a select few people knew about Julian’s diagnosis. As he’s mentioned, he carried a lot of shame around having Bipolar (and sometimes still does, but he is working on it). But, having a mental illness is not something I thought (or think) he should feel bad about; he didn’t choose it after all. I understood where the shame came from and why he was carrying it. Although I didn’t necessarily agree with him, I was respectful of his wishes to keep it quiet and I began to carry a bit of the shame too.

Then, after we began being more open about mental illness, sharing our connection to the charity we are fundraising for the marathon and launching Chasing Norml, I was surprised to learn I was still very lonely when he was in a cycle. This was especially surprising since we are in the midst of pandemic, and most of the time, I’m never more than a room away from him physically. Why would I feel lonely when he is physically right next to me? The truth is, yes, he may be physically here, but he is not really with me. He is struggling with his own mania or depression and the guy I love is away for a while. If you know someone who struggles with depression, anxiety, addiction, bipolar — really any mental illness — you can tell when they are feeling good and truly with you; they are their regular self. But when they are struggling, they are not really there. They have their own struggles going on that keep them just out of reach. The connection between you isn’t as strong and it can get lonely.

There isn’t a ton I can do for Julian when he is in the midst of a cycle, but I’ve learned (over lots of trial and error) if I lean a bit more into my own self-care during those times, it helps. Maybe I do an extra hair or face mask and take a long shower, watch my favorite movie or dive into a new book. It might take longer than either of us would like, but I know he will be back as soon as he can be.